“Therapy” is not a 4-letter word, and neither is “boundary”

“Therapy” is not a 4-letter word, and neither is “boundary.” However, these words are commonly misunderstood and at times, even weaponized.

With that, I thought we could clarify some things about boundaries!

Some people are scared of this word. It feels scary and daunting. There is a fear that people will get mad (truth is, they might.) Poor boundaries can often be a result of a lived experience of unreasonable expectations and boundaries put on one, particularly in childhood.

Some people think that boundaries are mean or even unloving. We have to give and give to prove our love to others. Here’s the thing: everyone has needs. Not everyone requires all of their needs to be met by you. And while some people may be upset when you start setting boundaries, not all will.

In short, boundaries are simply protections put in place, by you, that keep you from getting hurt or taken advantage of. Boundaries don’t have to be super strict or rigid, they can be flexible, temporary, and can even change over time. Boundaries are also unique to each individual. They may vary across cultures and family systems. We can’t assume that others’ boundaries are the same as our own, nor should we assume that others already know what our boundaries are.

Consider this (and bear with me): I adore the sun. I especially love warm, sunny days, blossoming flowers, and the feeling of sunshine on my skin. Moreso, we need the sun to sustain life on our planet. The sun gives us energy which allows trees to grow, which in turn provide us with oxygen. The sun is both enjoyable and necessary to life on this planet. But, let’s say that we had no ozone layer. Our relationship with the sun wouldn’t be so friendly anymore. The ozone layer absorbs ultraviolet radiation which would be damaging to this beautiful life that we have here on Earth. 

The ozone is like our boundary with the sun. It is necessary to maintain the positive relationship we have with our life-giving star. We need boundaries with others, too. Without them, we find ourselves overextended, taken advantage of, and ultimately, resentful. Setting boundaries helps to define expectations in a relationship and provides clarity for everyone involved. It allows our relationships to be loving, rather than obligatory.

Is there a risk that people will be upset with your boundary setting? Certainly. Is it worth it? Only you can determine that! I’ve worked with folks for years on boundary setting, and it takes time and effort to establish and maintain boundaries in order to set new precedents. Often, we even need clarity for ourselves of what our boundaries are before we can identify and communicate them to others. 

If you’re feeling like you could use a refresher on boundaries in your life, you can start by examining areas in your life in which you feel overextended, overwhelmed, or undernourished. Ask yourself what you need in order to attend to those parts of your life.

If you’re feeling worried about setting boundaries with others, you might ask yourself what the risk of setting the boundaries could be, as well as the risk of not setting the boundaries. And of course, if you find yourself needing support in boundaries, working with a professional or consulting with trusted support systems is always an excellent option.